It’s time to focus on one of our favorite national past times. Tailgating. During the regular season, I’d almost prefer it over going inside the stadium. Cold beer, fresh food off the grill and a great crowd makes it feel like you woke up in a Coors Light commercial. And while no two tailgates are the same, you will notice some similarities between the different groups up and down the lot. For help understanding what you’re looking at, here are the Top Ten Guys You’ll See Tailgating.
Be prepared for an epic narrative as the hungover gent in your group regales you with his drunken exploits from the night before. It’s a miracle he even woke up in time for the game, that is, if he even slept at all. Look for a massive cup of coffee, sunglasses and an overall appearance that may or not have been his pub gear from the night before. It’ll take awhile for the hungover to get his game face on, but be patient, he’ll pull through
9. The Annoyed
Trying to enjoy a delectable spread of cheeses, crackers and wine with his wife or girlfriend, the annoyed doesn’t take kindly to all that ruckus you’re making. In fact, he’d appreciate it if you’d tone it down a bit and remain within your area and stay out of his. Otherwise, you can expect a few hours of dirty looks, crossed arms and if things get really out of hand, a terse ‘excuse me’ could be tossed in your direction.
“I came here to drink some beer and kick some ass. Looks like I’m almost outta beer. ” Alright, so maybe it’s not that intense. But the instigator doesn’t shy away from causing conflict within the group or with those nearby. Step in whenever you can to diffuse the situation and do your damndest to convince him the guy who accidentally brushed past him didn’t do it intentionally. Then again, let the instigator loose and there’s a good chance your local law enforcement will happily take him off your hands. The choice is yours.
If the guy taking you to the game is a rookie, be prepared. It’s going to be awkward, uncomfortable, painful and you’ll pray for a quick ending. That’s because the rookie’s typically one of the last cars in the lot, low on charcoal, without silverware and left the beer sitting on the front porch. When you feel a tap on the shoulder in the midst of enjoying your carefully coordinated fiesta, don’t be surprised to see this haggard first timer begging you for some lighter fluid. Help him out if you can.
It takes a giant set of…it takes a lot of courage to strut around wearing the enemy’s rags. They perceive the barrage of insults and colorful expletives launched in their direction as a sign of respect. For the most part they’ll laugh it off and engage in some friendly banter. On rare occasions though, you’ll run into an enemy stricken with what’s known as the ‘Raiders syndrome’. Despite being outnumbered 10 to 1, they’re always down for some fisticuffs and typically end up on YouTube.
5. The Smashed
Bloody Mary? Sure. Few beers? Absolutely. A handful of jello shots washed down with a solo cup of Wild Turkey? You’re damn straight. The smashed is up for just about any alcoholic elixir put in front of his face and typically has a tough time remembering who even won the game. For the first hour his antics are hilarious as you egg him on, but sadly, this entertainment is short lived. Before you know it, you’ll be thankful as he starts sawing logs in his seat.
Did you just get crumbs in my car? Damnit, you packed the grill wrong! Is that a mustard stain on my tablecloth mister? Oh how we despise partying with the anal retentive. It’s like trying to co-host a kegger with your grandparents. Your best bet is to get him liquored up to the point where he stops berating you for a few minutes and starts to enjoy himself. And don’t forget to use a damn coaster!
Barking orders like a battlefield commander as his minions rush to get everything out of the truck and assembled in a timely manner, you know damn well who’s running the show. Neglect your assigned task and there’ll be hell to pay. This man runs a well oiled machine and can’t be forced to deal with your incompetency.
Step away from the grill and watch the maestro go to work. From spices and marinades to steaks and sausages, the chef comes prepared with an arsenal that’d make Gordon Ramsey proud. Don’t expect frozen burgers or hot dogs because honestly, who wants lips and assholes on Playoff Sunday? What you can expect is a wide variety of offerings selected with only the true carnivores in mind.
First into the lot every Sunday, the professional is undoubtedly the envy of everyone around him. And why wouldn’t he be? We’ve all thought of buying an old school bus, stripping it down, and turning it into a Bears blue and orange oasis for only the most serious of type tailgating. But he’s the guy who actually did it. With multiple generators and grills, a refrigerator, satellite T.V., and any other amenity you could ever hope for, the Professional is what we amateurs aspire to be one day.